


try another thousand times (to catch up with you)

by sacheland



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Character Study, F/M, Friendship, Gen, M/M, Road Trips
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-27
Updated: 2019-01-27
Packaged: 2019-10-15 02:39:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 972
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17520620
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sacheland/pseuds/sacheland
Summary: JJ stretches his legs and scrolls down his phone. He’s taken hundreds of new photos on his phone since the start of their road trip three days ago. A picture of Leo doing a backflip while Otabek frowning in the background almost sends JJ to a laughing fit.The wind is cool against his skin and the sunrise is beautiful over the highway. JJ takes another picture.





	try another thousand times (to catch up with you)

**Author's Note:**

> This is for [King of Hearts Zine](https://kingofheartszine.tumblr.com/) almost a year ago. It's a zine dedicated for JJ.
> 
> This is less shippy and more character study thing. I had fun writing this even though I had to delete a scene (of Beka video called Yuri and then JJ's banter with Yuri) because I exceeded the word limit  
> oh well

JJ leans on the wall. “I don’t know where we are going next, but I trust Leo.”

 _“Send me more pictures?”_ Bella says and JJ can picture her smile over the phone.

“Of course,” he promises.

 _“I have to go. Take care, JJ,”_ she says and her tone softens, “ _I miss you, you know._ ”

JJ feels his heart stutter. “I know. I miss you too,” he whispers and knows the words are true.

He will always love her even if he’s not her fiance anymore.

————

 _“It’s a new dawn, it’s a new day, it’s a new life_ —” Leo sings along Nina Simone in the speaker.

“You’ve been playing this song for thirty minutes on repeat. Can we _please_ change to another?” Otabek asks.

“The one who drives the car is the ruler of the music player, Otabek,” Leo winks and continues to sing.

Otabek sighs, turns to the backseat, and blinks. “What are you doing?”

“Nothing,” JJ lowers his phone.

Otabek frowns but then he shrugs and looks outside. Leo glances at JJ from the rearview and winks again; he must know JJ is taking a video of them.

JJ stretches his legs and scrolls down his phone. He’s taken hundreds of new photos on his phone since the start of their road trip three days ago. A picture of Leo doing a backflip while Otabek frowning in the background almost sends JJ to a laughing fit.

The wind is cool against his skin and the sunrise is beautiful over the highway. JJ takes another picture.

————

“It’s nice to be on vacation. We should have done this before.” Leo opens the bag of chips. “Want some?”

“No, thanks.” JJ steers the car carefully since Otabek is sleeping in the backseat. “And yeah, we should have done this before,” he agrees, because even though the reason for the road trip is JJ’s failed relationship with Bella, it’s still a great idea to spend the time just the three of them like they used to.

“You’re not going to play any music?”

“I—” He doesn’t know what to say. That his sense of rhythm has been off for weeks? That he can’t play any song nor can he convey the songs when he skates? “I want silence,” he says finally. A half-truth.

“I see,” Leo says, no judgment in his tone.

“I just—” He bites his lip. “Music is not something I can just _try_.” Not even when he lies down at night, trying to catch the notes out of his reach. The knowledge that he can’t just _try_ , that some things are not meant for just hard work.

That somehow, _they_ still can’t love each other _that way_.

“Do you think—” He remembers the words Bella said the day they broke up. “We did the right thing?”

“Maybe,” Leo shrugs. “But you know the answer already.”

There are things, like crashing on the ice, a false note, failed expectations and the comfortable stagnation that he can’t help but cling onto—the things he should let go.

————

“What is it that you’re afraid of?” Otabek asks, straightforward as always.

He props his arms on the sand, watching wave after wave crashing on the beach and Leo dipping his feet in the water. “Did you talk to Bella?” JJ asks. Otabek doesn’t answer but he looks at him and raises an eyebrow, and there’s nothing JJ can do but sigh and say, “There are a lot of things.”

“You know that she won’t leave you. That no matter what happens, she’ll still stay with you.”

JJ grimaces. “I know that, I just—” he grabs an empty shell, fingers tracing the cracks and bumps. “What if the opposite happens?”

 _What if I still get left behind,_ is unsaid.

“You should trust her.”

“No it’s—” JJ runs his fingers through his hair. “It’s not her _exactly_ , I know that she won’t leave. But I always know that I’m not the easiest person to be around. That even if I covet the moments with the other person—they might not feel the same way about me.”

“You’re afraid of abandonment.”

Talk about the summary of his life, indeed.

“I—” Otabek pauses. “I have never told you what happened years ago. The reason why I stopped talking to you.”

JJ freezes. It’s one of those things they had swept under the rug. Back in Canada, they used to be very close. Then Otabek left and somehow, their relationship became strained. They didn’t fight, _nothing happened_. But that’s exactly what it was— _nothing happened_. Even when JJ tried, it was all for naught.

Their distance wasn’t just in the space between their homes.

“Do you know that I still listen to Sebastian Bach, even now?”

That makes him pause. JJ was the one who introduced Otabek to Sebastian Bach, the musician they used to listen to together. Still, he isn’t sure why Otabek talks about Bach—he always knows that Otabek loves his songs.

“I was afraid,” Otabek admitted. “It was easier to get away if I—if I couldn’t get what I wanted.” JJ can see his jaw clench and his eyes resolutely on the sunset. “And Bach is one of the things that reminds me of you.”

_Oh._

“I didn’t know that.”

“You’re not exactly the pinnacle of sensitivity,” Otabek replies and JJ snorts. Harsh but true. “I’m not saying this as though I have an expectation for you. I’m saying this because sometimes people leave for their own reasons and _it’s not your fault_. And you should choose what you want, not what you’re expected to do.”

“And I guess someday, if something is meant to be, they’ll be back?” JJ asks.

“Perhaps,” Otabek replies. It’s tentative, but JJ feels the gap between them is narrower than before.

And perhaps, this time JJ should take a leap.

**Author's Note:**

> Title is from 1000 Times by Tahiti 80
> 
> Hit me up (preferably with a hammer) on [tumblr](http://sacheland.tumblr.com/)!


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